Today, while washing dishes, for no particular reason I started thinking about this place I used to eat all the time when I was in college. The weird thing is for a moment I forgot where I was and started making plans to go there...to eat...for dinner...today!

Then suddenly, it hit me. I can't eat there. Not today, not tomorrow and probably not ever again.

Let's face it, I most likely will never return to Texas.

I can't even afford to visit my family in California. How could I ever even think I could go back to Texas?

I began daydreaming about the past then, dish soap dripping from my pruney hands.

I began to realize how much of my life I left behind when I moved.

I started thinking about all the things that I may never see or do again.

I realized that I will never see my old high school again. I'll never be able to take the back way to get to Six Flags. I'll never be able to stand under the porch light where I got my first "real" kiss. I'll never see that field that I made my first snow angel in. I'll never be able to crawl up in the big window at Gameworks and have a heart to heart with a friend. I'll never see the place where I first learned that I really loved something that I was good at...theatre. I'll never walk the halls of Grapevine Mills where I spent so many hours of my life both working and having fun. Or run into a friend in the stacks at Half Priced Books. I'll never drive past that parking lot where I first told one of my best friends about being pregnant. Or the one where he told me he was gay. Or the one where I first confessed I was in love with a guy I knew I could never have. I'll never walk down the steps of Redbud. Or Andy's. Or the Water Gardens. I'll never drive through the stockyards like I did during my driving test. Or through Sundance Square marveling at the giant angel statues and singing old 80's hits. I'll never eat black-eyed peas at Black-Eyed Peas on New Year's Day. Or have Cajun food on Fat Tuesday at Razzoo’s. Or green beer on St. Patti's at Bennigan's. I'll never pass the hospital where Lily was born. Or the chapel where my biggest mistake was made. Nor will I spend an entire afternoon watching the Silverback Gorillas at the zoo. I can't drive to Galveston on a whim. San Antonio is not "just a couple of hours" from here. My brother is not "only 20 minutes" away. There are no thunderstorms nor tornado warnings. It’s not t-shirt weather in the middle of December.

Don’t get me wrong…I don’t want to move back to Texas. I really like the North West.

It’s just that most of my life was spent in Texas. Not all of my memories of it are great. In fact, quite a few are downright unpleasant.

But-I grew up there.

All of my friends still live there as does part of my family. Most of my childhood, adolescents and early adulthood happened there.

And-That's where my favorite restaurant is!

However, it’s not just all of that.

It’s more the knowing that I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to.

And even if I did, things will have changed.

It wouldn’t be the same Texas as I left it.

It’s grown up and moved on just like I did.

As I came back from memory lane I looked long and hard into the dirty water filling the sink.

Things have changed and so have I.